Light in Goshen: Chapter 5 - Marry and Multiply - Part II

“Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and dwell in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease."

Marriage.

Hey!
"What's love got to do with it?"

Another very dear friend of mine was explaining to us how marriage in Jewish tradition was such that the parents with help from select member[s] of the community would choose the spouses for their children. Agreements were made when the sons and daughters were young with every expectation that with marrying age, those agreements or matches would be adhered to. Such is the kind of activity so artistically presented in the movie, Fiddler on the Roof, a tradition that is also described as eroding as the story progresses.

But, far beyond this artistry remains the Truth of the former situation. The fact is that when parents chose matches for their children, they took into consideration the child's disposition, talents, deficits, and prospects for a strong home and continuation of the line.

So, I asked my friend a question. A question which was more of a statement of what I thought about the whole idea than any real genuine inquiry, if you know what I mean.

"Why would anybody put up with someone else making that kind of life choice, as serious as marriage is? Especially, if one believes marriage is for life!"

My dear Jewish brother said,

"Olivia, first, you don't understand. The whole culture operated that way and as such, matchmaking was considered normal practice, not an unjustifiable infringement on the personal rights of individuals.

"But,let's just take a look at the heart of your question.

"You are assuming that individuals choosing their spouse as is done these days is better than the way of matchmaking done in the Jewish tradition.

"And, I couldn't disagree with your assumption more."

Well, Saints. As you can just imagine, I am "all ears" as they say, by this time.

"Do tell!" I said snippently as only my combined ignorance mixed with arrogance could express.

"Yes. I will tell," he said.

And, he did.

Let me paraphrase his argument for you.

Basically, we in modern times allowed ourselves to go out and choose a mate. Indeed, we have allowed our children to choose a mate. Some of us did not choose well. Some of us selected well but ,in fact, were not good choices for our mates.

Part of the problem in our environment is that expectations about what we desire in a mate prior to marriage are so unrealistic that we psychologically impose on the other individual traits and expectations that there is absolutely no way for them to meet. Looking for the perfect, "10" we often delude ourselves right up to the wedding day by thinking we have got exactly what meets our specifications, and where anything is missing, we will be able to change our spouse. Then, once the rings are exchanged and we begin to build our families, we find we didn't get what we thought we had, nor are we what our mates expected. And, neither of us is willing to change!

My friend then said, it is this disillusionment that becomes the undercurrent of thinking and action in the home that opens the door for unfaithfulness, etc.
Of course, there are exceptions he said, but more often than not, if you ask individuals if they are satisfied with the choices they made leading up to the choice of spouse, they will say, "No."

On the other hand, says my friend, with the tradition of matchmaking, more objective eyes can look at the traits and proclivities of sons and daughters and choose. And, the choice among the families is such that the family itself, the parents on both sides, work harder to reinforce the permanence of that marriage.

So, I interrupted.

"Hey! What about love. What's love got to do with it?"

To this, my friend said.

"Olivia, superimposing our imagery on someone with the requirement that they live up to it is not love, either. But,since you brought the idea of love up. Here is where it comes into the tradition.

"When the young people are introduced to each other in marriage, they have their first meal as a married couple and the thinking progresses over time. The thoughts might run something like this:

---[new husband] "Well, I ate what she cooked and it didn't kill me."
---[new wife] "Well, he gave me the money for the groceries so I can cook, perhaps we won't starve to death."

Time progresses.

---[young husband]"Baby, looks like me."
---[young wife] "My husband is acting just like a kid, he is so happy. Look how
he is holding our baby."

Time progresses.

---[husband] "I am going to come up with a better way to provide for our growing family."
---[wife] "Look how hard my husband works to take care of us. He is a good man."

Time progresses.

---[husband] "We made the right decision to match our child with the child of
[fill in the blank.]
---[wife] "I see the industrious traits of my husband in [fill in the blanks.]

Time progresses.
And, as my friend described, admiration between husband and wife grows. Love and respect are built, built upon the right actions of each in their role as husband and wife. Built, with the multiplication of those traits throughout the family. Built, with the multiplication of families with those traits to make community.

So, instead of beginning marriage with high expectations that get dashed daily, daily eroding relationship over time till divorce happens, there is the starting with no expectation and the building of relationship over time with the discovery of each positive trait exhibited by each spouse.

Needless to say, this analysis gave me something to think about.

From a biblical perspective--not simply a traditional Jewish perspective-- we have an answer. God is not silent on this issue of marriage. Afterall, "Marriage" is God's idea. He originated it. He tells us what is required.

Relevant Verses Include:
Genesis 2:18
Genesis 2:20
Genesis 2:23-24
Matthew 19:6
1 Corinthians 7
Ephesians 5:22-33

We must pray for our spouses and the future spouses of our children. We must guide our children in teaching them to think biblically and to value that which God values. We must provide environments where our children can interact with others that share those same values. And, as I said before, we must pray. We must pray. We must cover ourselves and our children and there future spouses, those of God's choosing, with prayer.

And, we must instill in ourselves and our children a valuable lesson:
The key to all relationships including that of marriage really is love.


We are all familiar with that of recited passage in 1 Corintians 13 called the "Love Chapter."

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

But, you say, "What if I chose really badly? What do I do?"

I have given this question a lot of thought, Y'all.

Yep. I have come to the following conclusion.

The problem behind the immediate is our failure to reverence God.

This is not said flippantly. And, if you find yourself in an abusive relationship,
please don't just sit there and take it.

"But, but...." you might be thinking. "What in the world is this woman saying?"

Here is my point.

When you have an excellent husband, it is time to get on your face before God and pray prayers of thanksgiving in adoration of God for His provision to you.

When you have a not so excellent husband, it is time to get on your face before God and pray prayers of thanksgiving in adoration of God for His constant vigilance and protection over you, for His promise to be a husband to the widow[which is what you are in effect during those times of emotional and physical abandonment.]

In either case, good spouse or bad spouse, God is to get the glory. Both conditions are there to prompt us to get on our face before God. Let's celebrate anything that draws us closer to God. Every encounter with God transforms us, brings us to a new place in Him. And, although circumstances may or may not change, we will have changed by reaching a new altitude in faith in God.

I can say this with confidence that this is the better way having done it all wrong more than once in this life.

God's Way is Better!

Christ Jesus is our Goshen!
He fills us with His Light!

And, even unsaved spouses can recognize God's light.
So much so that 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 says,

"And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."

But, even if the spouse never "sees the light" sort of speak, we are to fear God.
That is the safest and most promising place to be, right in the center of God's grace and mercy and His will.

A faithful wife is protected by God. Just look at the history of a God-fearing wife, Abigail in the household of Nabal, a "fool." Read all about it in 1 Samuel 25,the Holy Bible. Do note, Abigail protected her husband to the end. If she had not acted in love for Nabal, all she had to do is say nothing. David would have killed Nabal, and Abigail would have been freed from the bondage of that marriage, forever. However, because Abigail was proactive, spoke Truth including the hard truth about her husband, and then acted in his behalf by prudently supplying what was needed to shore up her husband's deficiencies, God intervened, removing not only the bad husband, but elevating Abigail to the position of wife to the future King David.

Love never fails.

One last word, just to make sure we are on the same page about this notion of "love."
There are enough books on the the distinction between Agape love and other forms, so I won't go into that here. But, I do want to share something with you that was very helpful for me to think about with regard to "love".

One of the theologians of the distant past spoke there being various levels of love shown to God. Let me if I can remember these correctly for you.

There is a seeming progression of understanding that comes with our growth spurts in God. This progression comes with are ability to permit God's love to exude from us into every aspect of our lives.

Level 1 Love of God for what God provides

Level 2 Love of God because He is God

Level 3 Love of oneself because of the love of God

Level 4 Love of others as oneself because of the love God [This is the kind of love resident in those folks who exhibit the fruits, kindness, patience, and long-suffering.]

May we in God's strength love others [including our spouses, independent of their traits], love them as we love ourselves because of the love of God.

Amen!
---Livvy McDonald :)<><
Next post- Light in Goshen: Marry and Multiply Part III - It's all about the Children, Y'all!

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